Those who know me know that getting to close to me is a near impossible task. I have many acquaintances and get along well with many people, but I am still alienated from my true self. I adapt to what will make others comfortable and refrain from voicing concerns that I may have. I set up tall walls that would make Trump jealous and set them up in increasingly taller segments. These are facts that I am not a stranger too and I acknowledge them daily, but am not able to actually do anything about it. Forming close bonds with people is not my thing. I’d rather be on the sidelines somewhere just close enough to be familiar, but far enough to not have to do anything.
This is a fact about me that tears me apart. We are social beings and in order to recognize ourselves as individuals we rely on social relations to reflect said individuality back to us. I alienate myself from this process and it creates a dehumanizing effect on myself. I feel lost and confused and lack that elusive species-being that we all strive to achieve. It’s quite the conundrum in that I yearn to find out who I am, but at the same time reject the relations needed to reflect that to me. It’s not a question of needing someone, or requiring validation, it’s a question of the human need to see a reflection of themselves in the world they create around them. There are our ideas and thoughts about ourselves and then there are the real, tangible, relationships that allow us to know ourselves.
I often feel that who I am and the thoughts I have are not OK and have been rejected many times throughout my development. I can’t put my finger on where I had lacked the validation or what is to blame. I know I have an underlying feeling that who I am and the passions I have are not OK. That my way of viewing the world is some how not acceptable and that leads to a feeling that if I let people to intimately know my passions, I will be rejected. Who I am as a human is not an acceptable way to be. I was told that I would grow out of my “radical” beliefs and that it was simply a phase of adolescence. My inner passion has not vacated my heart like I was told it would, it has merely become stronger and more organized. This is confusing and frustrating as I fight it off and belittle my inner self to attempt to control these “wrong” thoughts and ideas. I don’t blame anyone for this as I doubt any of those words of advice were out of malice, but I now sit in a reality where forming bonds with other humans is too much of a mountain to climb. I am not equipped with the tools to dismantle these walls that block me from achieving self-realization and the confidence that can nurture.
Moving forward is a dark tunnel filled with unfamiliarity and torture. I can’t realize my potential living in this manner. I can make a superficial connection with very little effort and discuss some important topics, but often stop short of giving my full opinion on things. When asked to have a soft heart and say the things I am thinking and feelings my mind runs from me. It flees with the speed of a cheetah and hides away in that dark tunnel. Figuring out how to change this reaction has been fleeting and I often feel the need to give up and surrender to a life of self-alienation and superficial acquaintance. I am at a crossroads where I see the issue; I know what is stunting my growth, but I am finding difficulty in taking action to solve it. I’m lost and because I am lost I protect myself from being rejected. Because I protect myself I feel even more lost. Cyclical and frustrating is where my life is at this present moment.
What are ways that you have been able to see a reflection of your humanity in the relationships you foster and within the society as a whole?