Nightmare

I struggled with the idea of writing this for a while. This month started with a nightmare, but the kind you don’t just wake up from.  In the interest of protecting all of those involved, I will not get into the details as that is not important, but I will get into the freefall that followed.   A complete hopelessness that hasn’t joined me in a very long time enveloped my heart and the thoughts in my head conspired to beat me to a bloody pulp.  Long after the event was over I still feel that despair when I sit quietly.   I wrestle the thoughts like a bloodied soldier in hand to hand combat, stabbed, shot, but still determined to vanquish the foe.   I fell.   I fell hard and I hurt people around me as I lashed out in my complete confusion.   I didn’t die and I didn’t lose those who love me.   I tried to ; I closed up and pushed away and tried to pull closer at the same time.  I was irrational.  My thoughts became king and I bowed before them, trembling and exhausted.  I was ready to give up.   I was unable to feel.  I fell away and I didn’t know if I’d get up.  Even today I wrestle with the feelings from what happened, scared it will happen again.  Life is on hold while I gather these pieces and feel my way back to where I was. I journey back to tower I am.  I have discovered a very important part about myself in this.  Something that needs to change in order to heal.  When faced with these intense feelings I make everyone the enemy.  I pull out the victim card and throw it into the ring.  I have people on my team who, surprisingly, remain there after the dust has settled.  I have experienced trauma and am feeling the results of it.   A feeling of impending doom, the intense memories and the ever present feeling I got when it happened.  The doubts and fears I had worked through have come back and I am fighting hard to keep from projecting those on others.   It is hard.  It’s discouraging to fall back and lose myself again.  I see me.   I see the soft, confident and funny man I am waiting patiently ahead of me as I free my foot from the crevasse it has lodged itself in. I will focus on healing and digging myself out.  I will allow myself to feel the pain and the despair as to not carry it inside of me.  Once I am free I can be that me I found before and be that me, but stronger than before.   I will rise fiercely from this wreckage, but not before feeling what needs to be felt.   Not before crying and screaming into the night.   It’s not only about rising again, but about feeling the loss and disappointment first.   Don’t worry, I know who I am and I will be there, strong as a fortress, just give me the time to heal.  

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