Man The F*** Up

Through a disastrous 10 year marriage I lost a part of me.   I lost who I was as a man.   I lost the edge I once had.  Along the way I somehow became quite underwhelming and seemingly weak.   It is very discouraging and frustrating to see where I am as compared to who I once was.   I was impressive in everything I did.   I could pick up any sport and excel at it right away.   I could show up most people in many feats of strength and endurance.  Yes, I was younger then, but it’s not the point.   The point is, the things that were impressive about me were lost somewhere along the way and I am trying desperately to regain it.   I’m angry about what I lost and how I let myself be treated for so long.  What kind of man let’s himself be broken down like that? What kind of man loses so much of himself and becomes such a small, weak shell? How can people not question my status as a man when I have no confidence in who I am? That was where I found myself.   Broken, bruised, weak, pathetic.   I couldn’t even stand up straight as the weight of everything was crushing my fucking soul.  How the hell did this happen? I was a man who stared down a bear.  I was a man who having a knife held to his throat did not back down.   I was a man who fought off 10 guys trying to mug me.   Suddenly I found myself submitting to my demons.   Suddenly I found myself too ashamed of myself to even know who I was. So, now what? With little left that is impressive and little left that seems to be worth while; what do I do? I man the fuck up and do those things I’m capable of.   I give a reason for people to brag about being with me.   I create in me that man I once was.  I can continue to be damaged, or I can do something about it.   Be impressive.  Be strong.  Be healthy.   Do this for me because I am worth it and I know the only sure thing is that I will always be my biggest fan.   I can only rely on me to always be there to push me.   I need to find this again for me.   I owe it to myself to be my very best.   If I’m not good enough for others, it’s ok, but if I can impress myself I know that I’m on the right path.   I’m a man and I’m mad as hell that I slipped away from that.

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