I didn’t really want to write about this, but my loneliness has me doing it. My dating life has been very unsuccessful so far. I know it hasn’t been long, but I still get lonely laying in my bed alone. I still wake up wishing there was someone there to smile at. I know that in the grand scheme of things this is a trivial problem. The usual response I get is that I am an amazing guy, but three kids is just too much to deal with. I get that and I think I have accepted that I will be alone with the kids. That’s ok. I have to look after them before anything else. Loneliness will be a part of that, but they are worth any sacrifice I need to make. I know that I am not for everyone and that three kids is a huge life change for anyone, so I am not bitter. I understand. I just wish sometimes that it wasn’t such a big deal. I cant make a big deal of this as I know I am strong enough to do this alone and I do love myself enough most of the time. I don’t think this feeling is rare; we all want to be loved by someone. I think that searching for it is proving to be exhausting and fleeting, so why bother. I have great friends who can fulfill the emotional need of being cared about, so I will be ok. I just was wanting to hold someone last night. I just wanted to say good morning when I awoke. We can’t always get what we want.
I live in my head far too much sometimes. I miss out because I am busy being sad about this menial crap. Each moment has something to be thankful for, even when you aren’t where you thought you would be in life. Even when life is shit kicking you, there is hope. Look above the smog and there is clear, blue sky. I don’t need to have a partner to be a man of integrity. I don’t need a partner to be an awesome dad. I don’t need a partner to have value as a person. Happiness is my own creation that is not intrinsic on somebody else. I can be happy alone. I can be strong enough to sleep in an empty bed. This is what I am learning from being rejected so often. I only need me. My kids need me. I am good enough alone.