New Years Eve

I’ll probably be in bed by 10 tonight. I don’t have much reason to stay up late. I won’t have anyone to kiss at midnight and there is no way my kids will make it until then, so I may as well go to bed at a decent hour. Some will call me a party pooper, but there is no party to poop on. My youngest one is sick so I won’t be going to the fireworks with them. I feel so little hope for the upcoming year today. I feel as though it will be the status quo of barely affording food, barely living and only surviving. I’ve gotten pretty good at surviving over the years, but have never enjoyed living. I cut my hair today just for a reason to take a shower and forget the problems of the world. I’ve been tempted by the drink, but will not succumb. I know where that road leads me. It would be easy to do. I won’t, though. I’m stronger than that. I’m strong, I’m wise and I’m moving forward. Sometimes when we feel the least we will find the courage to hope for better days. Sometimes when we are lost we find ourselves. I am told these things and I’m hoping they are true. I feel lost and hopeless today and that is the honest truth. Things have not gone as planned and its destroying me inside. Why is it having such a profound effect on me? Because I think I can control life; because I think I can control people’s actions. I can only do what I can do for myself and I can’t control what other’s do. I’m selfish, I’m broken and I’m tired. I’m going to admit that much today. I’m going to admit it, but I’m also going to move on. I’m going to enjoy my kids, I’m going to enjoy some hockey (both the Jets and Team Canada are in action today). There are still reasons to breathe if you look hard enough; even when all you want to do is crawl under a rock and die. I’m going to get up, dust myself off and kick this day in the ass. I’m going to succeed. I’m going to live.

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