Birthday Girl

It’s my oldest’s ninth birthday today.  Where the hell did the time go?  I am feeling a tad bit old today.  I’m excited to see her tomorrow and will make sure to have a great day.  Tonight is just me and my son.  He has been begging for alone time with me for a while, but it never seems to work.  Tonight we have our time.  I’m not sure what we will do, but I’m hoping to have a good time.  Part of the time will be getting ready for Ava’s mini party, but the rest will be ours.  My kids are the loves of my life and I would do anything for them.  It doesn’t matter what is on the horizon, if it interferes with my kids in any way, it won’t be happening.  I put a lot of pressure on myself as a dad and maybe it’s too much sometimes, but I just want what is best for them.  It can be difficult when my youngest asks why their mom and I don’t live together and even harder when my boy comes to me in tears saying all he wants is for us to be together again.  It’s hard.  I don’t want to cause them pain and I know they will be ok in the end, but it’s hard.

I have been a little more depressed as of late.  Could be the lack of sleep, or that people that I love have been having a rough week.  Whatever the reason, it’s been weighing on my heart.  I feel as though I don’t deserve any of the good things in my life; my kids, my friends, my band.  I feel as though I don’t deserve to ever find love again and I don’t think I deserve to chase any dreams that I have.  I know these are lies.  I know it in my core, but lately it’s been difficult to fight them.  Maybe these days with my kids will help turn things around.

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