I have been reading and thinking a lot about love recently. It’s a broad and thorny topic to get into, but here I go. I’m going to come out and say that I am no expert on the subject and what I have to say is just thoughts. I’ve been told on many occasions that if I love myself, true love will follow. Sounds pretty simple. I read an article about how to love someone with depression and it put this into a little better perspective. Sometimes (a lot of the time) I don’t love myself. The grip of Depression will do that to you. I get irritable, or distant, or down right angry and I don’t want to put anyone through dealing with those sides of me. Someday’s the sadness is so overpowering that I can’t hide it from view and it has caused issues in relationships of my past. The big issue is “I can’t make you happy, so why try.” The issue is not whether someone can make me happy, Depression is too complex for that. I would need someone who could understand that about me; that I won’t be happy all of the time. I fear putting anyone through that. It seems unfair to me. What exactly am I saying? I don’t know, I’m just rambling today. Love is a mystery to me and all it has brought me (so it seems) is heartbreak. I know that’s not all there is to love, but it sure does make it terrifying to let myself be vulnerable again. I want to protect myself from being hurt again.
I’m not going to dwell on finding someone right now. If it happens, it happens. I’m just going to concentrate on being myself and trying to love myself. I will practice being kind to myself and focus on living each moment. I do need to allow myself to be open about my feelings more often and not shut down into my “tough guy” mode. It’s ok to be sad sometimes and it’s ok to have a “tender” side. I’m me and that’s all I can be. Be yourself, don’t be a dick and if it happens, it happens.