When I was 15 my best friend committed suicide. It is something that I have carried with me my whole life. It haunts my dreams and pulls at my heart. I was the last person to see him alive and I took responsibility for what happened next for such a long time. I bring this up today because I had a very vivid and heartbreaking dream about him last night. I awoke with tears in my eyes and a nagging feeling of guilt. In the dream I stumbled upon him and he was very much alive. He said he hadn’t killed himself, but needed a new start so he faked it. I was elated to see him, but deeply pained by the lie. I embraced him and we cried which is when I woke up. The hope was sucked from me and I wept. I was never the same after that day. A lot of people were forever changed. The effects of suicide are far reaching and profound. Don’t think for a minute that it is a victimless choice. The anger I felt after he died was burning and I don’t know if I ever dealt with it completely. It wasn’t long after that I attempted to end my life as well. Thankfully the belt broke and I was able to get help. The despair that you feel is so great that it physically hurts to breathe. In the moment you think you are making the wise decision even if logically it doesn’t add up. I share these experiences in hopes that someone will see the hope that is left in the world. I want you all to see that every moment is a new beginning and that positivity can make a difference. It has taken me a long way and it can for you too!IMG_3829.JPG


4 thoughts on “Memories

  1. It’s good to share this kind of information. That deepness makes us feel so alone and isolated, just knowing that you aren’t alone can be a help–at least enough to get any professional help needed. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope you can come to make peace with it.

  2. Dear, sweet, precious, beautiful Ryan! I have been following your blog on and off as your mom posts them on FB. We went to the same high school way back when. My son also tried to hang himself in our basement just prior to Christmas last year. I am overwhelmingly grateful to still have him in my life. I see so many similarities with his pain and yours (but my son is only 17) and I am desperately trying to understand him. I appreciate your insights as I try to navigate the minefield of mental health with zero comprehension of what is really going on in the mind of my sweet precious beautiful boy.

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