If I were worthless, my kids wouldn’t fight over who gets to sit with me. I’ve been repeating that line since I was challenged by a friend to come up with a reason why I’m not worthless. It’s a good reason why I’m not. I’ve been focusing so much lately on why I am worthless that I have forgotten my own self worth. This is utterly exhausting. All I want to do is curl up in the fetal position and cry myself to sleep. I’m not going to, but that’s what I feel like doing. I’m a broken man who has been further shattered by the end of my marriage. If I were worthless, I wouldn’t have so many people telling me that I’m worth something. If I were worthless my work would not have asked me to return. There are many reasons why I am worthwhile and I’m going to keep telling them to myself each day. Hopefully that will curb a lot of the panic attacks that have stricken me lately. I must challenge this hopelessness with hope; this feeling of worthlessness with worth. I am not the only one who has ever suffered the end of a marriage so it’s time to stop acting like it. The world didn’t end, even if it feels like it. The Earth is still orbiting the sun and rotating on its axis. Plants are growing, animals are roaming and humans are still living.
Lately I have been living to sleep. By that, I mean I go to work and count down the hours until I can go to bed. When I’m sleeping I’m not worrying. I’m trying to set aside a time to let myself think about my situation. I tried it last night and the waterworks got turned on again. It’s all to easy to see all of my failures (there were many) and all to easy to take all the blame for the bitter ending. Evidence is there to point at. I need to forgive myself, forgive her and learn from all of this. Learn what it means for me to be me; learn what it means for me to be a good partner and learn what it means to be a good father. I can choose to allow this to destroy me or I can choose to learn a thing or two and become a better person moving forward. God knows I could use a notch or two up on the good person chart.