Depression fills your head with a lot of lies. You aren’t good enough; you aren’t handsome enough; you aren’t smart enough. Mix that with a constant state of anxiety and frustration and anger are formed. My patience becomes short and my smile doesn’t want to form. The ways that I imagine hurting or killing myself are horrifying and fighting off the thoughts is tiresome. I have no plan to follow through with any of them, but the fact that they are still there and are constant add to my frustration. I react with my emotional mind far too often and think with my rational mind far too little. I attach to the thoughts and fight with them rather than watch them form and disappear. There is hope on the horizon as sometimes I feel ok and sometimes I even smile. When I’m not thinking about the things I’ve done or the things I wish I had done differently I can focus on the now and the things I will do differently this time around. I have been enjoying finding myself again when I’ve been able to focus on it. I’m enjoying being vegan, but have been second guessing my straight edge motivations. Not that I’m going to start partying and over drinking; just that the reasons I had been hiding my drinking were because I was made to feel guilty for it before. I know I over did it once and almost died, but it wasn’t a habit and it still isn’t. I don’t know what I’ll do there. I don’t need to drink, so I probably will continue to not. I’m just thinking out loud as I discover things about myself that have been repressed for a long time. I’m learning to love myself as I am and to not judge myself too harshly for some of the undesirable things I have done. We all have our shortcomings, but dwelling on them will not make them go away. I’m focused on living my life and becoming happier. I’m focused on taking things as they come and not selling any opportunity short. I’m not actively searching for someone, but if a connection happens I’m not going to fight against it. Life is short and being in this state of despair is not lengthening it.