Lately all I want to do is sleep. If I could lay down and wake up a year from now I would be happy. Reality is a humbling thing and boy has it been doing it’s share of humbling lately. I was a terrible husband for the last 5 years and I am now paying for it and will continue to pay for it. Don’t feel sorry for me as I brought it upon myself. I have a few choices to make here and I’ve been making poor ones lately. I have let my anger get the best of me when it comes to dealing with my ex and I may have ruined any chance of an “easy” divorce because of it. This feeling inside is so hard to explain and even harder to express in a healthy manner. I hope one day she will forgive me for the hurtful things I have done and said, but I can’t sit and wait for it. More importantly, I need to find a way to forgive myself for all of the embarassing and deplorable things I have said and done. Nothing I can do or say will take those things away and hopefully down the line I can move on and never repeat them. Why the two posts about pretty much the same thing today? Well, honestly, I behaved in a rather insulting and hurtful manner when my ex came and picked up the kids last night. I am completely ashamed of how I acted and now I may have started something that can not be easily finished. Without getting into too much detail, I probably will be needing a family lawyer. Something I can’t really afford.
I need to stay positive even in light of this. I need to put one foot in front of the other and move forward and try not to let it happen again. I need to be more motivated to become a better person and pro-actively takle this problem I have with anger, at least when it comes to her. I seem to be able to handle it in any other situation; things are far more emotionally charged when it comes to her. I need not worry whether she has found someone else as it is no longer any of my business and I can now be free to look forward and realize that one day I will find someone else and hopefully someone who will bring out the best in me. It is tough to find what those good things are, but someone will see them and will help me find them. For now I will live and learn and hope for a better life ahead. Financially things will be getting far tougher as child support and the like will be the next hill to climb. If anything good came of that interaction, it’s that I know there is zero chance of reconciliation and that there is no point in waiting around for it. I’m no hero and I’m no victim. I am guilty as charged and now I need to learn and grow; not stew and become bitter.