Weakness Spreads

I’m not going to lie, I cried so hard I threw up after she picked the kids up last night.  I then proceded to beg for her to take me back.  Lets just say it was not my most respectable moments.  Here is where I have a choice to make.  I can judge myself for this and beat myself up over the weakness that I showed or I can accept that it happened and move on to the next moment.  I bet you can guess which is the most helpful of the two and I’m trying hard to make it my choice.  It is very difficult to not judge myself for the way I acted and I am finding that I need to remind myself of the fact that it is now the past and I have the chance to move on if I choose to.  I can fight reality all I want, but it won’t change just because I want it to.  We can’t control other people and if we try we will find a lot of misery there.  Would I really want her to take me back if it was only because I manipulated her and not because she actually wanted to?  Maybe in my desperation I might say yes, but in reality I would only want her to take me back if it was what she wanted.  It’s hard to say that knowing that she doesn’t want me back.  I’ve said before that I love her deeply which is why I just want her to be happy and cutting me out of her life is what will do that.

It rained all weekend, but after my little breakdown I decided (with encouragement from a friend) to take a walk to Starbucks to clear my head.  It was pouring out, but it didn’t seem to matter to me at the time.  My heart was in a pretty rough state, so the water falling on me gave me some feeling of being alive.  I had decided to splurge and get a soy latte, a big variation from my usual Americano.  I didn’t even have to pay for it! That made my day a little better than it had been.  It may not seem like much, but the way things have gone it seemed a lot bigger than that.  I will choose to be thankful for that small act of kindness and not try to belittle it.

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2 thoughts on “Weakness Spreads

  1. I just wanted to let you know that I have been following your posts on Facebook and I that I totally get what you are going through. I went through a similar situation some years back and I had so many moments of breaking down, abusing myself and just being angry in general.

    It gets better with time, as cliche as that sounds. Just don’t let these moments of weakness get you down as we all have them. You’re one of the good guys and you got this.

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