I have found myself feeling happy the last couple of days.  Not all day, but portions of the day.  I find myself feeling guilty for feeling happy as well.  I find that I feel I shouldn’t be happy.  That I shouldn’t be ok.  Why shouldn’t I?  Why can’t I be ok with me?  Why shouldn’t I be happy?  A pretty girl smiled and said hello to me yesterday while I was walking the dogs.  I smiled and said hello back, but immediately felt ashamed.  It’s been over for a couple of months, it’s ok to be happy.  Just like it is ok to be sad over the loss of my marriage, it’s ok to move on and be happy.  Maybe I’m just trying to figure out how to act as a single guy again.  Maybe I’m just used to concentrating on one person and need more time to be ok with taking care of me.  I’m worth it.  Right?  I keep saying that, but do I truly believe it?  Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  That’s ok.  I think for the most part I have been healthy in the way I’ve dealt with this and I’ll admit that sometimes I’m proud of myself for that.  I have had my weak days where I’ve broken down and tried to beg for her return or have let my anger get the best of me, but these are mere blips on the journey I’m on right now.  There is a brand new canvas for me to paint and I get to decide what story is painted on it.  I know that’s a tired cliche, but I said it anyways; what are you going to do about it?




One thought on “Guilty!

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