I seem to be stuck on a roller coaster. I’ll be hopefull and determined in one moment and blubbering and despairing the next. I’m told this is a normal cycle when dealing with the break-up of a marriage. I have also been told that grieving the end of a marriage is much like grieving the death of a loved one. I would be inclined to agree with that as the pain has been similar to the pain I felt from the loss of friends in the past. I’m not sure if making that connection is all that important to my ability to move past this, but it does prove that I can survive this like I have survived other terrible life events. I have been focusing a lot on how much happier she is without me. I have been giving her far too much power over my emotions and I need to shift away from that. Yes she is happier without me, I can’t change that (nor do I want to; I love her, so I want her to be happy), but I don’t need to dwell on it and bring any more misery upon myself. When I can let those thoughts go is when I feel hopefull for the future, but when I attach to those thoughts I fall into despair all over again. I need to not judge myself for falling into the pit and climb back out and try again. And again. And again. I have to be mindful and not fall into my usual way of coping which is shoving it deep down and shutting down my emotions. That is not helpful.
I didn’t get into the marriage thinking it would end. I don’t think many people do. I stumbled upon some pictures from our wedding last night while trying to clean up around the house. That’s a good way to send yourself into a tailspin. I allowed myself to cry for a bit over it, but eventually kept cleaning. I destroyed the side table I found them in. Don’t worry it was destined for the garbage anyways. It felt pretty good, I must admit. I won’t make a habit of it.