A Blank Screen

 

Some days I just stare at my blank screen, thinking about all the things I could write about.  Sometimes it’s because I have no ideas and other times it is because I have too many.  I will sometimes write out a full paragraph and then erase it and start again from scratch.  I’m a perfectionist.  I’m an all or nothing type of personality, which means a lot of nothing gets done because perfection is an impossibility.  There needs to be a shift in thinking in order for me to function properly.  I could start with redefining what perfection means to me.  Instead of it being an all or nothing concept, I could see it as being my best at the time with what I’m given.  Perfection = my best.  That seems far more realistic than perfection being without flaw or defect.  I don’t think I need to tell you just how exhausting life is when you expect so much of yourself.  My first instinct to fix this was to just “cure” myself of the perfectionism, but that proved rather difficult to do.  I also found that in attempting to cure myself I was still trying to do it perfectly.  Trying to cure perfectionism with a perfectionist attitude is like putting out a fire with gasoline.  The inferno only gets worse.  The idea of shifting my thinking rather than getting rid of it was a foreign idea to me.  How could I help my perfectionism without getting rid of it completely?  That’s crazy talk.  This shifting can be used in many situations; instead of saying “I can’t do this” I will say, “this will be difficult”. It’s a small change, but can make a huge difference. Try it some time, I think you’ll be presently surprised.  If you say you can’t do something, you won’t do it and then you’ll say “See!  I told you I couldn’t!”  Where as, if you admit that something will be difficult you will only feel a sense of accomplishment when you succeed.  Seems easy, right?  Nope.  It’s hard work catching those automatic thoughts, but it will be worth while.  I’m telling myself that it will.

My weekend with the kids was pretty good.  Thankfully the weather held out and I was able to spend a lot of time outside with them.  My kids are what I have to hold onto from the last 10 years and I think they are pretty great.  I haven’t been the perfect father, but I think I’ve done a pretty good job and hopefully I can give them a life that will prepare them for the real world and give them the ability to tackle it with a positive attitude.  The truth is the world is a tough and unforgiving place, but what we do with it is what matters.  I’ve spent so long dwelling on the negative and that has proven very toxic to me.  It is probably a big reason that my marriage ended so abruptly just over a month ago.  I need to be resilient and I need to keep a positive attitude not only for my children’s sake, but for mine as well.

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