I have been going back and forth between my brother’s and my house over the past month. I hope that a little stability will allow me to deal with my situation a little better. I am thankful for the safe place to stay while I wait for my house back, but it will be nice to be in a place that’s my own. I am somewhat excited to be back home, but nervous about all the memories that will be associated with it. I hope that I will soon come out of this state of despair and be stronger for it. Yesterday was my son’s birthday and for the first time in his life I wasn’t there for it. I can’t begin to tell you how heart wrenching that was, but I hope he knows it doesn’t mean I love him any less.
I would love to tell you that I’m doing better, but the truth is everyday is still a struggle. I’m into the bargaining stage of grieving and am arguing with God over everything. Those arguments seem pretty one sided at this point. I feel so lost inside and there is a void in my heart now that doesn’t seem to want to mend. I’m angry; I’m sad; I’m desolate; I still can’t believe this is happening.