Daze

I have been in a bit of a daze for the past month.  A roller coaster of emotion that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.  I’m not asking to be felt sorry for, but I need to write out what I’m actually dealing with.  The grey weather we have been having is not helping my mood in the least.  I have to be honest and admit that I have not been taking care of myself as well as I should, especially when it comes to my blood sugars.  I have no one to blame but myself for this lapse and I need to get out of this slump and back into life.  It’s easy to blame someone else for my misfortune and, yes, I could be justified in my anger towards this person, but in the end where does it get me?  No where good.  It’s easy to fall into the tailspin over and over and allow the hurt from the situation to take control of my emotions, but I’m choosing to not allow the situation to destroy me.  It’s not easy by any stretch of the imagination and I still find myself in tears after having to interact with her on a daily basis.  I can’t expect myself to accept perfectly because the situation is the type that evokes very strong emotions and as such can be difficult to accept as it is.  It’s hard to not judge the situation as good or bad.  On the surface the situation is terrible and definitely bad for me.  You’d have to be made from stone to not perceive it as such, but the key to accepting is to not judge.  I’m tired from the constant fight with myself and I would just like it to end.

In other news, my first day back was a success.  It was as if I’d never left.  It was nice to have something to distract myself from the everyday thoughts that barrage me.  I’m unsure as to what will happen with school, maybe it will still happen, maybe it won’t.  Right now my priorities lie with seeing my kids grow up and having time to play in my band.  Music is important to me and not something I’d be willing to compromise on at this point.  I don’t have many outlets that work, so music must stay.  I look forward to the day that I realize that this was for the best, but I’m not there quite yet.  The kids seem happier, she is far happier, so the evidence is in support of it being for the best.  I’d like to accept that and move past this.  I’m exhausted.

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