Planning

I’ve hit bottom numerous times in my life and this time I’m not going to let it destroy me. I need to look forward and I need to know where I am going. I need to set goals and rules like when it will be ok to date again and how much I’m willing to sacrifice for school. Today I am going to lie around and do nothing as I have not had time to breathe since this all happened. I’m hoping to sort through all the emotions and detach from them as much as possible. I don’t mean ignore them, I mean that I will find the thoughts that heighten the despair, anger and resentment. This could be a painful experience, but to move on with my life I need to at least attempt it. I thought about the dating thing for the first time yesterday; not about finding someone right now, but when would be appropriate to think about that. These are hard things for me to deal with, but it will come up eventually so it might be better to be prepared. That’s assuming anyone will be interested in me!

It’s raining and cold and I have to ride my bike to my therapists this afternoon. I hope he can help with my growing resentment towards my ex. It is hard to watch her be so much happier now and it’s hard to see her succeeding in her career while I seem to keep falling downward. I know it is not helpful to compare my life to hers and I know I need to accept the situation as it is, but it is difficult not to attach emotion to this. I’m going to keep fighting even though I want to just give up. I have overcome many hardships in my life and have earned every good thing I have gotten. I will fight. I choose to fight.

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