There may be hope on the horizon after all. I’m not going to delve into it as I have decided to try and keep personal details off of here in respect. I do, however, need to deal with some actions that I have become accustomed to that are far from helpful. I mentioned to some people that someone complimented my smile. The response was unanimous: “You smile?” I have been thinking hard about that. I really don’t smile much. I can see why people find me standoffish or miserable. This has affected my relationships detrimentally for a long time. I have been quiet, grumpy and selfish and no matter what comes of my marriage, I need to change these behaviours. I need to constantly be aware of what is happening around me at that moment and not be worrying about what was and what might be. I need to spend less time on Facebook and more time on my kids and if God is willing, my wife. I have not been easy to deal with and I have changed from the man I once was. I know it will be hard, but believe me when I say that it will be worth it. My temper is my major downfall, but the new skills I am learning are letting the old, loving me to come through. I don’t need to hide behind anger to be “manly” and my kids are kids and I need to let them be kids. I need to hold hands more, open doors more and pull chairs out more. I need to be aware more. I’m holding this sliver of hope and I’m doing what needs to be done.
Today is Mindfulness at STAT. This is my favourite because it can be used in any situation as it is the act of being aware and being in the moment. It can relax, but can be uncomfortable. I think it is the skill that will help me the most moving forward. I have one week left here and I am a little anxious about not having this to come to, but I’m beginning to see how these skills are helping in the real world and how much slower I am to anger and how much more aware I am of what I am doing. When I’m doing the dishes, I’m doing dishes, etc. Life is not going to be all rainbows and lollipops, but hopefully I’ll appreciate when it is and be aware when it isn’t.