It’s funny how as soon as you think you are making progress, Life decides to give you the old middle finger. I’m not going to get into what that middle finger was as it’s a little bit emotional for me still and probably for a while. I’m angry, hurt, betrayed and really don’t feel very loved. The things we take for granted can suddenly come back and crush us underneath their weight. I’m weak. I don’t know how I will go to school now, or where I’m going to live and how I’ll be able to afford to eat. I don’t know what to do here and I’m left scrambling because of someone else’s decision. Just when I thought my hard work was paying off and I was starting to turn a corner back to the person I once was before mental illness took hold, I’m left here, not good enough, struggling to understand. It’s hard to hope for a better future when every time you get up and move forward you are met with a knock-out throat punch. The straight in the adam’s apple type of throat punch. Give me a break, please.
What do I do now? I can’t afford rent here on my own seeing as I quit my job to take this STAT program and go back to school and now I’m stuck jobless, probably homeless and most likely school-less. The hurt is so deep right now that I can’t even think about what to do next; the pain is so intense that I can’t understand how to react and how God could allow this to keep happening. How do I go on? I don’t know. I just must.