I have been exhausted for the past couple of weeks. Exhausted and anxious. I have been trying to follow the anxiety to what the root of it is, but it may be simply my anxiety disorder being an anxiety disorder. I have been having far more intense panic attacks than I normally have and I can’t seem to concentrate very well. I know that a big part of it is the friction causing thing known as change as I learn new ways of dealing with my mental illness and the upcoming adventure known as University. I guess these sweeping changes would be enough to get anybody anxious. Am I right in this assumption? My perpetual headache has been growing in intensity. I need more coffee as I am struggling to stay focused on typing out this post and my eyelids seem pretty damned heavy today. There is a nagging feeling that I may be going about this change all wrong and maybe I’ve made a poor decision. You know that annoying voice that constantly tells you that you are worthless and that you can’t do things? It is there telling me that I’m too old, too stupid and too poor to succeed in school and that I wouldn’t be able to find a job if I did make it through. It tells me that my musical skills are lacking and I am holding my band back and secretly my band-mates resent me for it. It tells me that my fathering abilities are terrible and that I am ruining my children because of it. There are many things it tells me about myself and it creates a lot of fear in my heart that each decision I make is the wrong one. Does anyone else have this voice in their head, or am I a little off the deep end here?
The suicidal thoughts make their presence known when I’m left alone with this voice. The feeling of worthlessness builds up in my heart and I visualize terribly horrific things and I feel the full weight of the world on my shoulders. I can’t escape from them, but I can’t follow them. I need to be mindful of these thoughts and acknowledge that they are there. I need to watch them go by and disappear on the other end. I can’t dwell on them or attach any emotion to them or I will lose the fight. I try to distract myself from them, but the second I sit down they are there and louder than before. I accept that I am in the dark valley; I accept that my thoughts are of death. Now how can I move out of this valley full of death? Keep moving upwards, reduce harm, don’t judge my emotions. Keep moving on.