Sometimes I sit quietly and try to figure out how I am still here. The suicidal thoughts are so determined that I can’t believe I have fought them off for this long. The times that I have stared into the mirror and repeated “I am going to live” over and over are too many to count. Some have told me to simply tell Satan to leave me alone, others have said that I need to pray more and some have told me that this is all make believe and I just need to snap out of it. I have told Satan to leave me alone, I have prayed over and over to be healed and I have tried hard to “snap out of it”. I have tried all of this and still I am here, wallowing in this cesspool of suicidal thoughts and a constant feeling of dread. Does this mean that God doesn’t think I’m worth his time to help me? Does this mean that Satan is in me for life? Does this mean I am far too stupid to snap out of it? Days like these find me desperate and clinging to sanity as it slowly tries to slip away. I watch my keyboard and try to come up with words that will get out what is holding me hostage, hoping that if I find those elusive words I will somehow be healed and freed from this prison of thoughts. It never happens. This despair remains, grinding my heart and mind. It remains and pains my muscles and joints. I’m not sure how I’ve made it this far, but I know I have to keep moving forward. The days like this won’t stop me; you won’t kill me, Depression. You won’t win. I win.