Still Here

 

Sometimes I sit quietly and try to figure out how I am still here. The suicidal thoughts are so determined that I can’t believe I have fought them off for this long. The times that I have stared into the mirror and repeated “I am going to live” over and over are too many to count. Some have told me to simply tell Satan to leave me alone, others have said that I need to pray more and some have told me that this is all make believe and I just need to snap out of it. I have told Satan to leave me alone, I have prayed over and over to be healed and I have tried hard to “snap out of it”. I have tried all of this and still I am here, wallowing in this cesspool of suicidal thoughts and a constant feeling of dread. Does this mean that God doesn’t think I’m worth his time to help me? Does this mean that Satan is in me for life? Does this mean I am far too stupid to snap out of it? Days like these find me desperate and clinging to sanity as it slowly tries to slip away. I watch my keyboard and try to come up with words that will get out what is holding me hostage, hoping that if I find those elusive words I will somehow be healed and freed from this prison of thoughts. It never happens. This despair remains, grinding my heart and mind. It remains and pains my muscles and joints. I’m not sure how I’ve made it this far, but I know I have to keep moving forward. The days like this won’t stop me; you won’t kill me, Depression. You won’t win. I win.

20140202-082941.jpg

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Still Here

  1. In the past I’ve also had people who told me my mental health problems were “demonic oppression”, which is part of my tongue-in-cheek “devildoll” thing. Personally I think there are a lot of factors to mental illness, but Satan isn’t necessarily one of them (unless it’s part of his adversarial role.) But it’s not your fault of having Satan in you or anything like that.

    I may not be the best commenter for a Christian perspective though, but have you seen this blog? It’s written by a pastor who struggles with bipolar disorder and has more thoughts on mental illness from a Christian perspective. The guy has even put out a book! Maybe some of it will help?
    http://awaywithwordsblog.com

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s