Four More Days

I went out and dropped off a couple of resumes last night. I haven’t felt that old in a while. I’m only 32, so not really old, but when the manager is 10 years younger than you it is difficult to not take note of it. I remember when I was younger thinking that people in their 30s were old and over the hill, yet here I am about to start school and looking for part-time work when most people have started their careers. I know I’m making a bigger deal out of this than it is. I am really overwhelmed with the changes coming up. I need to admit that now before it gets to me and drags me down. There is a lot about to change and I know it is all for the betterment of my family and for the best for me, but it is still change. Four more days left here (at least as a full-time worker). Four. After today is three, then two, one and then done. Tomorrow is a short day as I have a doctor’s appointment, so really it’s 3 and 3/4 days. Yikes. The nervousness and anxiety is quite high and it is apparently very obvious as my wife is asking me if I’m OK a lot more than usual. I’d like to see the future so I can comfort myself and see that I’m making the correct decision here. Here I go, over analyzing things again. 3 and 3/4 days. Wow. I have left and come back to this place numerous times and they have been good to me, but it is time that I follow a dream I have kept hidden behind self-doubt and excuses for years. It’s time to move on and “grow up” a little. By “grow up” I don’t mean leaving the other passions of my life, like music and skateboarding, behind, but that I take more responsibility for my happiness. I need to stop using my mental illness as an excuse and more of an inspiration for others. I need to show myself that I can follow my dreams in spite of the crippling depression and burdensome anxiety. As Bad Brains coined, “I’ve Got the PMA!” I need to be aware of my attitude and I need to change it with hard work. I need to realize that I will have to work hard EVERYDAY to make those choices to make myself better. It can be done. 3 and 3/4 days.

Burnt Mansion

Burnt Mansion

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5 thoughts on “Four More Days

  1. This is my first time reading your blog, but I enjoyed reading very much and can relate. I have issues with depression/anxiety/the list goes on.. It’s completely overwhelms me most days. You seem to have a good outlook on things though, I’m envious! I hope things work out, take care!

    • It has taken a lot of work to get where I am and I write about it everyday to remind myself of how far I have come. Not everyday brings my positivity out and I still have many bad days, but the trick is to always get up and try. Thanks for reading!

  2. I’m a little older than you, and I did the same thing. At 30, I decided to go to school, and I felt the same anxiety. I thought I was too old to be walking around a college campus, but I found others my age were going to school, and though most were fresh out of high school, they were extremely friendly and helpful. I felt very ‘welcomed’ by students and professors. I believe your experience will be welcoming as well. The first day is the hardest, as far as the experience goes. Be sure to organize your time to work on stuff daily, otherwise it all piles up. But you will, I am sure, find this to be a great decision; challenging, but rewarding. Kudos to you.

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