My sinuses are full and throbbing. I’m exhausted and unmotivated today. The urge to swerve into oncoming traffic was overwhelming on the way to work this morning. I hate that feeling with a fiery passion! I find totally convincing arguments to do it and even consider acting. It’s pretty terrifying. I even picture the event in my head in gruesome detail, seeing my dead body still in the front seat while paramedics try to get at it. I hate it. Some days I have to pull over and talk myself down as the urge becomes too much. This isn’t just reserved for driving either. If I am walking along a busy road I want to jump into traffic or if I’m walking on a bridge I seriously consider throwing myself off. It can be a stressful life dealing with this. It isn’t that I want to die because I don’t. I don’t know why I get these urges and I wish that I didn’t.
I am very unmotivated and I think it is beginning to show. I need to push myself to get things done, even the most simple of tasks seems like a “screw it”
moment. I need to be mindful of the fact that I am still being paid to work and that I still need to give it my all everyday. Knowing and doing seem to be in a constant battle in my head lately. Maybe that’s why I have the headaches all the time. Stop fighting up there! Don’t make me come up!