Too Much Notice

I’ve been a mess of paranoia lately. Ever since I let my work know of my acceptance into school for September I have been expecting to be laid off. No reason why, but I’m always worried that someone is out to get me and in this case it would be my work. In my head I hear them talk about how I’m leaving anyways and might as well get rid of me. Pretty ridiculous, I know. Every time I make any sort of mistake I’m positive that I will be fired and every time the phone is for my boss I assume it’s head office telling him to lay me off. It is so much unfounded stress that I can’t concentrate on the work at hand and in turn make far more mistakes than usual. I’ve been stressed to the point of nausea the last couple of days; last night I couldn’t stand up without breaking into a sweat and feeling like I would vomit. I really hope the STAT program will give the tools to deal with this stuff more effectively. It starts April 7th and goes for around 5 weeks to begin with at 5 – 6 hours a day making it impossible to work during the day which is now seeing me in a little bit more of an awkward situation at work. I have been overcome with feelings of guilt for agreeing to do this as it feels as though I am being selfish and insensitive to the needs of those around me (at work). I have a problem with feeling that I owe people, even if I have never met them. Why is this? I can’t say because I don’t know. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember and it could be what is behind my constant fear of being “found out” as some sort of fraud. I hope this is something that I will finally be able to come to terms with and come up with a plan to deal with it. I’m not sure if it is the cause of a lot of my inadequacy issues or just part of the bigger problem. I have spent a lot of time dwelling on this over the years and still can’t seem to come up with an insight worth pursuing. Maybe I’m just so used to feeling defeated that I am scared of feeling accomplished; maybe I’m so downtrodden that I feel I am not deserving of happiness. What I am positive of is that I will be working on this for a very long time.

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