My motivation is at zero today. Even getting out of my chair to go to the bathroom seems like too much work to bother. Maybe it’s the return of the freezing cold temperatures or the lack of sleep, but no matter what the reason the fact remains; I don’t feel at all excited about anything right now. How do I accept this and how do I move past it? How do I admit that right now I am lazy and tired and unmotivated and then move on to a less lazy and unmotivated attitude? I’m too damned lazy to care right now. Maybe that is ok. Maybe my body is telling me something when it makes me want to climb into bed as soon as I get home from work. It may be possible that I need to do nothing and relax for an evening to allow my mind and body to decompress a little. Sounds pretty good to me, but it is also very selfish of me to think that I can just go home and lie down. There are three kids to feed, there are dogs to walk, dishes to do, lunches to make, cats to trip over and homework to help the kids with. As a parent you bring it on yourself. To clarify, when you are responsible for the lives of small humans, you can’t ignore that just because you are tired, lazy or unmotivated. Period. Maybe I should start training them to do all the jobs I don’t feel like doing and make them do them. An internment camp of sorts. Before I have CFS at my door, that was a joke, so laugh or ignore it. I have a feeling that one day the things I am writing in this will somehow come back and bite me in the ass, but that’s ok. I’m merely putting out there what living with mental illness is like (at least for me).
My trains of thought are short and unfinished when I’m in this mood. It’s like when you talk to someone who will trail off at the end of a sentence and the last couple of words are too mumbled or quiet to understand. I’m sure we have all talked to someone like that at least once in our lives. That is exactly what my thoughts are doing to me today. Starting off strong and profound, but trailing off into a jumble mess of confusion, so forgive me if this post is far from the high (or mediocre) calibre that you have come to expect here. I’ve been trying hard to get through the Apology of Socrates over the last couple of days, but I find myself slipping into a day-dream every few lines. It isn’t that I find it boring, I find it very interesting, it’s that I haven’t sat and read anything in a while and I need to get used to it again. Practice makes perfect, or maybe; Who do you play Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice. Either way, I need it.