I often wonder if everything I feel is just my imagination. Some days I find myself agreeing whith those people who think what I have is nothing more than an excuse to be miserable. Maybe my headaches, my joint pain, my halucinations and all the other problems I deal with are simply me wanting to be a victim. I spend entirely too much time second guessing myself, especially when it comes to the depression and anxiety I feel almost constantly. What if I am making it all up? It isn’t something I can “prove” to people who don’t think that mental illness is a real medical problem and because of that I sometimes fall into that trap. I feel guilty for going to my many doctor’s appointments even though I know I would not be able to hold onto a job if I didn’t, but try explaining that to people who’s idea of dealing with mental health is “suck it up”. What can I do to keep from falling into this dangerous trap? I know if I do, I will not survive. I know I have to keep working and keep seeing my doctors and keep taking my meds even when I’m feeling ok because this is a lifelong fight that I can’t take a break from. It is as real and life altering as my type 1 diabetes and is just as misunderstood by the general public.
So, here I am feeling terrible most of the time and now thinking that I make it all up. What am I to do? Every second is a battle and the majority is against myself. Some days, like today, are exhausting as I struggle knee deep in a cesspool of my own doubt and depression; anxious about what terrible things await me throughout the day. A plane could crash into my place of work; I could die of a heart attack; I could get fired; I could get kidnapped by a secret government agency sent by the evil overlord Harper. All of these are possible; maybe not probable, but anxiety disorder doesn’t give a damn about probable. It’s a bad day today and I’m just trying to make it to tomorrow.