An Analysis of Self

I often wonder if everything I feel is just my imagination. Some days I find myself agreeing whith those people who think what I have is nothing more than an excuse to be miserable. Maybe my headaches, my joint pain, my halucinations and all the other problems I deal with are simply me wanting to be a victim. I spend entirely too much time second guessing myself, especially when it comes to the depression and anxiety I feel almost constantly. What if I am making it all up? It isn’t something I can “prove” to people who don’t think that mental illness is a real medical problem and because of that I sometimes fall into that trap. I feel guilty for going to my many doctor’s appointments even though I know I would not be able to hold onto a job if I didn’t, but try explaining that to people who’s idea of dealing with mental health is “suck it up”. What can I do to keep from falling into this dangerous trap? I know if I do, I will not survive. I know I have to keep working and keep seeing my doctors and keep taking my meds even when I’m feeling ok because this is a lifelong fight that I can’t take a break from. It is as real and life altering as my type 1 diabetes and is just as misunderstood by the general public.

So, here I am feeling terrible most of the time and now thinking that I make it all up. What am I to do? Every second is a battle and the majority is against myself. Some days, like today, are exhausting as I struggle knee deep in a cesspool of my own doubt and depression; anxious about what terrible things await me throughout the day. A plane could crash into my place of work; I could die of a heart attack; I could get fired; I could get kidnapped by a secret government agency sent by the evil overlord Harper. All of these are possible; maybe not probable, but anxiety disorder doesn’t give a damn about probable. It’s a bad day today and I’m just trying to make it to tomorrow.

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One thought on “An Analysis of Self

  1. You’re right. People who haven’t suffered with depression and anxiety don’t understand. I can honestly day, that I used to be one of those people. I always wondered why people would choose to make themselves miserable. But, since being here on WP and reading many different accounts from those who suffer with this, I’ve come to understand that it truly is something that cannot always be controlled. I too suffer with being down, frequently. I wouldn’t classify it as depression necessarily, but it’s something that I haven’t been able to ‘just get rid of’ or stop doing. I suppose it’s in our wiring. Everyone’s wired differently.

    Your writing about this and others who do the same, are changing the way people see depression, even if it’s only person at a time. You’re making a difference.

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