I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep in over 3 weeks now. I fall asleep fine, but I’m getting up every hour for no reason. I have become quite irritable because of it and I’m constantly drained. Caffeine just keeps my eyes open and my concentration is pretty terrible. Not sleeping is on my list of things I absolutely hate and nothing seems to help it. My mind wanders constantly and finishing a thought seems a foreign concept; maybe I’ll get someone to knock me out tonight. I’m frustrated.
I have an assessment for a program called STAT today. From what I hear this is a great program to get into. There is lots of group therapy and different strategies to deal with the lies my brain tells me. The problem is that if I get in, it is 5 weeks, 4-5 hours a day and not consecutive. So I could be missing the majority of the day of work, meaning my paychecks will be almost non-existence and would have to get my work to agree to let me do it. Now that they know I’ve been accepted to school, they may be less accommodating to this; this is in my head and may not be true. I had to fill out a long questionnaire already and this appointment will be at least an hour and may not be the only one needed for assessment. I’m nervous about it as I usually am when I go see a new therapist or doctor; Social Anxiety tries it’s damnedest to ruin these things. It is at a different hospital than the one I normally go to and I don’t know where anything is, so I’m anxious about that as well. I keep telling myself that it will all be ok and nothing bad is going to happen, but my brain likes to fill my head with every possible bad thing that could happen. My body is incredibly sore today, especially my legs. This happens every time I am overly anxious about something. I still remember the first few months after my breakdown not being able to walk quickly because my leg muscles were so incredibly sore and tense. They are feeling like that today. Sometimes I worry that if I learn how to function properly, I will somehow be a different person as far as my beliefs and convictions. I know that isn’t true, but again, I worry.