It’s nice to sit in the living room with the sun pouring in. It is halfway through Winter and the sun has been getting up earlier and earlier which is a-ok with me. Like most people who suffer from depression my symptoms seem to worsen during the short, cold days of winter and this insignificant detail of longer days can make an enormous difference in my mood. Now, if only it were warm outside!
It could be the coffee talking, but I have been feeling incredibly restless lately. It is as if I am expecting something dramatic and life altering to be imminent. It is hard to explain, but I get this feeling once in a while. Maybe it is hope. I don’t know how to react to it. It is overwhelming and makes me quite uneasy, yet at the same time it excites me. In the end it just confuses me and makes me irritable because I just can’t figure it out. What follows is usually a state of paranoia that is much higher than usual. I become suspicious of any cars parked by my house, I become worried that my phone is being monitored; I will think that every electrical devise somehow is a closed circuit surveillance system, recording my every move. I know that it is not likely that any of this is true, but I become almost totally convinced that I am being watched. It becomes so real for me at times that I am terrified to leave my house and I keep my electronics use to an absolute minimum. This brain of mine is a complex animal, but I guess I’m never bored while my head is constructing such fantastical circumstances. Somedays I’m unsure if I will return to reality and I don’t always want to.