It has been a rather busy day today and I have forgotten what the topic of this post was going to be. It is a little warmer out than it has been today (a balmy -11C) and the sun seems to be shining which is always a plus. I have so much doubt and turmoil in my head and I have been barreling through as best I can, but I’m in need of a tunnel so I can just bypass all of this and get what I need to do done. I was going through the many literary magazines out there trying learn about submitting any works I had or would have to be published. It’s a whole other world out there when you start looking at making a new step in the world of writing. I am very intimidated by the talent that is out there and the high standards to which these publications adhere to. It was dizzying to say the least and to say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement. I am a perfectionist and as such if I can’t write to a standard (usually one that is unattainable) I feel as though it isn’t worth sharing. Writing this blog daily has been a painfully uncomfortable experience at times. Not only because I share the dark thoughts and the personal trials I face each day, but also because I publish works that I am not 100% happy with. That is incredibly uncomfortable for me and I expect someone to tear a strip off the post, pointing out how terrible my grammar was or how horrible a metaphor was. I know better than that and that has yet to happen. I have no precedent that would cause me to realistically fear these scenarios.
I expect entirely too much from myself and I let it get me down far more than I care to admit. I have always had that mentality; I remember in highschool trying to drop a class because I had gotten a 79% on a test. I psychologist once told me to purposely make small mistakes once in a while to show myself that the world doesn’t screech to a halt and I try to follow that advice when I can. I used this same exercise to help with the OCD tendencies I had adopted to deal with my anxiety. After my breakdown I dealt with the constant panic attacks and mood swings by cleaning. I would clean the house 4 – 6 times a day. With bleach. Non-stop. Obviously this would drive my wife and kids crazy and having 3 kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats that constantly made messes drove me crazy. Not always a great dynamic to have in a tiny house. I began leaving dishes out for longer than a couple of minutes and at first I would literally feel as if my insides were trying to burst through my skin to go clean it up. Here I am a few years on and my house is messier than ever and sometimes I even let it go for a couple of days. Now it looks like a house that has 3 kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats and most of the time I am ok with it. I’ll take that as a victory any day. Writing this blog every day is that same exercise, but to deal with my perfectionism and it has gotten a little easier as I go and I haven’t deleted a post yet that didn’t deserve it.