The Lure of Intoxication

I am a recovering alcoholic. I think I can say that without caring what anyone thinks of me because of it. It has been a rough road and I know it will always be a lot of work. When I am stressed out or am in a high anxiety mood there is this voice telling me that I should turn to drugs. Somedays that voice is so loud that I almost think it would be a good idea. This voice is the same one that used to tell me to skate recklessly and try obstacles that were far outside my ability. More often than not I would come out of it injured in some way, the pain feeling so good that I couldn’t wait to do it again. This voice is hellbent on my destruction and I try not to listen to it. It is difficult to explain this urge. It’s a voice that lingers in my ear, putting bad ideas in my already unstable mind. Sometimes it’s loud and obnoxious; other times it is a whisper, quietly planting ideas in my head. I try to ignore it the best I can, but I don’t think it cares if I listen as it just keeps talking. I’ve told my Psychiatrist about this voice, but she’s not sure what to make of it. I don’t know if any of you can relate to this and maybe it’s just part and parcel of my everyday teeter totter relationship with madness.

I’ve heard on more than one occasion that to be a truly great writer or musician you need to have some madness in you. I can definitely see how that conclusion can be drawn and I may be inclined to agree. I hope that I can harness this wild, mad brain of mine to create works that could eventually be a source of income for our family. I don’t mean that in the sellout way, but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t dream of being a professional writer or musician. My wife makes a lot more money than I do in a job that she absolutely loves (carpentry) and that may open the door to allow me to spend more time on my writing. I’m still in limbo at the U of W and I’m not sure what will come of that anymore, not because I’m giving up that dream, but because I may have an opportunity to chase an even larger dream. I realize that I started off on one topic and finished on a completely different one. Don’t judge me.

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