I could probably stare at this blank screen for hours and still not come up with a reason why I shouldn’t give up. It’s not that I don’t have them, it’s that today is yet another day spent in the depths of depression. Every day is a little bit harder to get up and face and every day is a day where the idea of being fired is welcome; where the idea of my kids and wife disowning me (for their own good) seems realistic. I don’t like feeling this way. There seems to be this idea out there that people like me love to be sad and that we don’t want to feel better. I can’t see anyone choosing to feel like this if they had another option. I will admit that I am a little afraid that getting better would mean I would no longer be me, but that is another one of those lies that the illness tells me. This feeling of constant dread, this fear of facing each day is so destructive and exhausting that I can’t really look past it to see the rest of what is happening around me and that can give people the impression that I’m a jerk and don’t give a damn about anyone or anything. This is furthest from my intention, but sometimes I need to concentrate so hard on convincing myself to keep breathing that I get tunnel vision. I hate it. Every second that passes is a reminder of it. Every morning I get up is the start of another battle inside my head. I know this isn’t just a spoiled brat being angry with having to work for a living; this is an actual illness in my brain that tells me lies constantly and makes my body hurt and sucks the hope right out of me. I could be a billionaire or dirt poor and the illness would be the same. I think what is most disheartening is that I do all of this work to try to change my thoughts, but all it seems to do is keep me sane enough to make it until the end of the day. It’s a selfish disease and its a non-discriminating one too. I realize that some of my posts can seem dark and hopeless and I know that they can be scary for those that care about me, but I need you all to know that I am just being honest so that maybe I can get all this out of me and hopefully make room in the dark and stormy mess up there for a light to shine in.

It’s a rambling type of day today. My head is in a state where I can’t seem to string together thoughts or concentrate on what I am trying to say. Some days it is like my thoughts appear and disappear so quickly that I can’t get them out before I have forgotten what my point was. These are the days where I just write whatever will come out and hope that it makes sense in the end. I know that if I take the day off it will be twice as hard to write tomorrow, so here I am writing and hoping. What do you do on days where you just aren’t feeling up to writing? Do you take a break or do you force out what you can?



7 thoughts on “(blank)

  1. I wish I had some magic words for you so that you could get over the hump, but I don’t. I heard someone say once that writing about their depression only seemed to make it worse. Other than your fiction blog, have you thought about writing about more ‘cheerful’ things in life, such as your kids, wife, funny things that you witness others doing? I don’t know – just a thought. With that said though, I do admire your honesty and transparency. It takes a lot of strength to be so open about oneself.

    • I find writing about it honestly helps me get the thoughts out of my head before I do anything drastic. I can look at the thoughts and see how irrational they are and work on it from there. I find forcing myself to write cheerfully ends up having the opposite effect, but I do see how it could help to write more about my kids and my family and my music. They are all things that bring me joy even if I can’t find a way to feel it fully.

    • I told myself I would write everyday whether I want to or not. Some days it’s dark and hopeless and others it’s productive and filled with failed attempts at humour. It’s a good way for me to keep track of my mood.

  2. Pingback: A Day in the Life… | All Christians Should Die at Least Twice

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