Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop!

This depression has not lifted, in fact it seems far worse this morning. I am sitting in the waiting room at the Psychiatry building at St. Boniface Hospital waiting for my appointment. I’m lost and I don’t know how I can convince myself to get to work afterwards. My mind has been in a very dark place for a very long time. I have tried to change my thoughts, I have forced myself to laugh and smile and have done a good job at keeping my temper in check, but my depression spirals on down and the further it goes, the more alone I feel; the more alone I feel, the further down I go. I need to say thank you to those around me that love and support me and I want to remind them that me feeling alone is in no way your fault. Please don’t be sad or offended. I feel sometimes that even the doctors don’t take me seriously, but that could be my stupid brain putting stupid thoughts in my head. I know I usually try to put a positive spin on things, but I am worn down and I am finding it harder to fight. Surviving is pretty much what I have been doing lately. Not really living; only surviving. To use a sports analogy I guess it would be like playing not to lose instead of playing to win. I just want out. I need relief; I need rest. I use “I” a lot. I forget about the suffering of those around me, but I’m told that goes along with merely surviving. I’m sorry for that.

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6 thoughts on “Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop!

  1. Ryan, I hope that you can find peace through your meeting this morning. I can’t imagine how you feel and won’t pretend like I understand, but have hope. There is always hope. There is always a reason to live another day.

  2. I have experienced doctors not taking me seriously as well. That is perhaps the most infuriating part, like, if these ‘professionals’ don’t believe me, where’s hope? There is though, I promise. It does take a while to find a good doctor/confidante, and I have faith that you will. I hope your meeting goes well. Love your blog – not too many people are this brutally honest and raw these days.

    • Thanks for reading and commenting. I don’t know if my doctors don’t take me seriously or if it is another one of my delusions that pit “me against the world” and fulfil my victim mentality. She was very concerned for me and even asked if I needed to see the crisis unit, so I’m sure she gets it. It’s hard to discern

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