What Ifs, What For.

My wife asked me in one of my terribly suicidal episodes what would make me happy. She said that I seemed happiest when I was at home with the kids and I would have to agree, but it isn’t doable money wise. With all three kids in school it would free up so much more time for me to write. I know what you are thinking, “But Ryan, what about school?” Obviously if I am accepted I will go (as long as I can get a student loan). I’m just thinking in terms of what ifs at this moment. Either way I would need to find part time work and why not keep my eyes open now. The problem is that if I stay home and the kids are out of the before and after program at school I would have an issue if I got into school. Blah, blah, blah. So much worry, so little time! It has been very difficult to relax through this whole process and is wearing on me and my family. One thing about mental illness is that it effects everyone close to you whether you like it or not. I would love to hear back from school soon so I can make a plan for the future; right now I’m stuck in no man’s land waiting very impatiently. When my anxiety is this high for this long and my depression is this low for this long, there are some strange physical effects that start. I stutter, I blink way too much, I rock back and forth and it feels like there are bugs crawling all over me. It’s all quite uncomfortable and I forget that not everyone will understand my state of mind and lose my temper quickly. In this dark place, the blinders block everything out and I end up hurting people; and even if they know it’s coming from my illness, the words were said and the damage has been done.

i am told often that God only gives us what we can handle. My question for him is when he will step in and help. This yoke is far too heavy and it feels as though he has left me in the desert while he carries the rest to the Oasis. Call me melodramatic if you must, and I realize that there are others worse off than me; in that case, why has He left so many in the desert while the wicked horde and profit?



2 thoughts on “What Ifs, What For.

  1. I have no answers, and i have been in that place before, but i can tell you that “the desert” is relative, i was born in a third world country and have meet thousands of people who would see the live you have (a roof, food, family) as complete heaven. I’m not trying to say that you are not suffering, or that your fight is easy, only that is not worth comparing ourselves to others. Don’t look around, look inside. big hug.

  2. The whole God gives you only as much as you can handle thing is BS…Otherwise we wouldn’t need him or other people. If we could handle it all, there wouldn’t be anxiety and stress and all that. Granted I think we can take a lot more than we give ourselves credit for, but there is a reason our bodies give out after going through too much stress…

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