Every minute feels like a crushing weight has been placed on my back. It gets hard to breathe and difficult to move. I won’t say a word because I will be told to suck it up or change my attitude. I will be told to pray it away; to have more faith and it will all just go away. Every second I will fight off death and destruction and not make it a single step further. The guilt is crushing me; the isolation is suffocating and the sadness is excruciating. Still I make it through; somehow I survive.
My head is in a dark place today. I can’t shake it off and I can’t hide from it. It is time to dress up in my best smile and head out to face the day. I’ve gotten pretty good at pretending to be ok. I’m not ok, I rarely am, but I’ll get through and I’ll be here again tomorrow. I hope you can forgive me for being tired, but fighting this is exhausting. It is hard to leave the house. It is hard to interact with people, but that’s my job. My head hurts and all my joints are sore as hell. If you are reading this and have to interact with me, I apologize for my poor attitude in advance (or maybe you’ve already had the displeasure, in which case I apologize for that as well). I know I sound selfish and mopey and I wish I could make it stop; I know there are people worse off in life who are happy and I wish I could tell my brain to change. The reality is, I’m going to have bad days like this and usually the bad day stays a few extra, but always gives me a glimpse of light once in a while; a small glimpse, but it’s better than none.
Don’t feel sorry for me, just know this is a very real illness and not just a case of “The Blues”.