Nothing is constant; not even the sun or the stars. Change occurs everyday even if we don’t notice. I’m not sure why I have decided to start this post in this manner, but for now I’m going to run with it. This morning I was looking up at the sky and thought, I don’t remember it ever looking quite like this. It seems like it is further away and more rigid than before. It seems like it is merely a painted backdrop for a big budget play. What does this mean? I don’t know. I would love to sit and stare and wonder about the far reaching implications of my perception this morning, but work beckons like a dark, fiery beast calling his sacrifices home. There is no rest in this business.
What on Earth compels me to get lost in my darkest thoughts? The details are so vivid, and the colours are so rich that I find it hard to comprehend that I am still grounded in reality and haven’t been whisked away into some dark, ironic fantasy. Every sound pierces my ear drums, every change in light burns my eyes. It is hard to move when I am stuck in this state of mind. My muscles ache, my joints creak and my brain seems to be attempting some epic escape from my skull. I try so hard to escape back to normalcy.
Today is not a great day in my head. I have attempted to paint you a picture in my words above to help you see how my mind can operate. I don’t intend to invoke fear or pity, but merely wish to shed some light on the situation. These days seem to slow time to a halt and raise the volume of EVERYTHING to an unbearable level. These are the type of days that I should stay home in bed and rest my tormented mind, but it’s hard to call in “mental” and not be accused of lethargy. I am sitting in the waiting room at my psychiatrist and anger management office hoping I will discover some earth shattering news that will change everything, but knowing I will not be any further ahead than I was. I will then head to work and attempt to seem fine, maybe even overcompensate with some crude jokes and fake laughter. There are no greater deceivers than those who hide the hurricanes in their mind. I know simply sitting outside with a pen and paper would do wonders for calming my storm, but there is no time for calm; resting won’t pay the bills. I am trying hard to twist this into some fluffy inspirational post with great examples of “turning lemons to lemonade”, but it’s just not one of those days where I can bullshit my way to optimism. When I started this blog I wanted to honestly speak on this affliction to inspire hope for those who suffer and understanding for those who don’t. I fear that the honesty in this post may seem hopeless and the bluntness may seem unbelievable. Today I hope you take away the message that you are not alone in this abyss and that the darkness is as real to others as it seems to you, and to those readers who do not suffer from mental illness, I hope to show that our despair is not merely a case of “the blues”, but a real and all consuming hole that requires more than just a change in attitude.
It’s tough, I know. Believe me, I know.