I bet you haven’t heard that line in a few years! like the show that the title was taken from I often feel like I am an annoyance and a failure when it comes to everyday life. I know what you are thinking and yes I too know that isn’t the case, but this is a blog where I am honest about my inner struggles. I have been told that this ultimately boils down to what my core beliefs about my identity are. This is a far more difficult monster to isolate and therefore very hard to change.
What motivates my poor view of my abilities? That, dear readers, is a tough question. If you expect me to answer that question here, you will be disappointed, for that answer continues to allude me. I touched on this subject a couple posts ago and will attempt to expand on it further. I have been told numerous times (far more than I care to admit) that I sell myself short and don’t give myself enough credit for my accomplishments. I’ve always told myself that I am simply being humble, but I am beginning to see that this is not entirely truthful.
This is more self-centred than I let myself believe. I have always tried to be helpful and selfless as much as possible which is why I have taken the time to convince myself of the sacrificial nature of my self-doubt. The paradox that arises is that to be a truly selfless notion it should not conjure feelings of jealousy or contempt. You see, while I sell myself short all day my anger builds and I begin resenting those around me who I have allowed to take advantage of me. It’s not that I am joyfully putting others ahead of me, it’s that I feel that I am not in my position because of any merit on my part and deflect the blame (albeit in secret) onto everyone and anyone else. Doesn’t sound so selfless anymore, does it?
I view others’ success relative to my own situation and base my worth on that. Somehow everyone else is successful and I struggle down below. I read that now and I can see the inconsistencies when put up to reality. It’s amazing what rational thinking can do after the fact. A friend or family member buys a house; suddenly I’m a failure because I rent; someone gets promoted at work; suddenly I’m useless because I don’t get paid ” market value”. You can see where I am going here, can’t you? Good, because I’ve lost my thought patern. I guess my point is that if my first thought is to how it affects me, it is not a selfless act.
If I give myself a break and believe in my abilities and still joyfully stay back to allow others to succeed, that would be selfless. I know that I am good at my job, good at guitar, decent at writing, but I am TERRIFIED of the implications if I admit it. I’m not sure how to best tackle this problem without finding my core beliefs and changing them, but if you have any suggestions feel free to comment below.
Inspire me please.